One must always leave a trail

Sitting in front of me is a packet of loose leaf Organic Lemon Myrtle Tea. It's expiry date is on my 21st birthday. Next to that is some random notes I took at a work meeting, brown eyeshadow, a gloriously large cup of coffee and a CD player.

Last night an old friend of mine returned home from his mysterious and somewhat prolonged adventure to Gulgong. As is almost necessary for people aged under 21, we had a party. On a Tuesday night.

I had work on Tuesday, and I have work today soon actually. I was planning to just meet them for dinner beforehand, extend my regards and then fuck off home again. Of course I turned up so late to dinner that I actually missed the dinner part, and arrived precisely when everyone was leaving.

Despite having said I would not, under any circumstances, attend a party on a Tuesday night, I did precisely that. I deliberately remained sober so that I could drive home at any point. But then I found myself amongst a group of close friends, in the dark, in the distance, getting in touch with Mary Jane.

I thought it would be best to wait a while before driving home, being then rendered completely off of my tits. So then I found myself lying on a trampoline, gazing at the cloudy night sky, slightly disillusioned by the lack of any visible stars. I remained stationary for a very fucking long time. Groups of people came and went; I remember lively discussions happenning around me that I was apparently physical unable to contribute to. Lola and I made nonsense at each other, understanding each other as intrinsically as babies.

I eventually made my way indoors. At the start of the night, my hair had been perfectly (or rather imperfectly) styled. I had pinned most of it back in an elegant style - something bohemian and a little bit flapper - and arranged tarragon flowers somewhat haphazardly in my hair.

The flowers from my hair, along with most of the bobby pins, laid on the trampoline and across the property, as I laid on a red lounge covered in cushions and everybody's things. There wasn't really any space to lie down but I think I made it work. Of course I then fell swiftly asleep in amongst all the things, blissfully unaware of how ridicudously high and absolutely freezing I was.

At 5:40 this morning I awoke startled and completely disoriented. The sun had begun to rise, which for some reason beckoned me to the bathroom. I grabbed most of my things (one must always leave a trail behind when they leave), and ran to the car, which for some reason I parked really far up the street. And then I headed home in a hurry, despite the fact I didn't (and don't) have to be at work until nine o'clock. I hope.

I don't want a boyfriend I just want a life

Last night I saw a lot of people I hadn't seen in a very long time, and met a few new people. It was the eighteenth birthday of old friend of mine who left town earlier this year to go to uni.

I looked around at the sea of faces. Smiling faces. And then a comment was made about how "It's so amazing how everyone has a boyfriend now". I looked around again at all my friends, boyfriends hanging off each of them. Everyone looked so happy, and as though no matter how shit things were or would become, they had someone else to share it all with; someone to fall back on; or someone to cry to.

I downed Moscato with force and couldn't help but think I'd somehow pulled the short straw. My friends had either moved away to start uni or stayed in town to finish school - and despite their student-induced-poverty and constant greivances about having to study, they were all happy. 

The birthday girl's mother asked me how my love life was going. I didn't snap, and I didn't snap anyone's necks. I answered truthfully, "Nothing's really happenning". She began gathering pity, so I continued. "I was with someone at the end of last year, but he was a bit manic, so I decided I'd rather be alone. I'm so busy and I work so much I hardly notice".

The last part of my response was partly true. I was with someone, and I did call it off. But he wasn't manic, he was just wrong for me, and I'm too stubborn to make things work out with someone I don't even like much. And while I am busy and always working, it doesn't mean I don't notice there's no one there. 

I keep finding myself in tears whenever I'm physically alone somewhere. I'm unhappy. I thought stepping straight out of school and into a full-time job would be worth it. But the truth is, no amount of money is worth more than my happiness. I earn a pittance, work horrific hours, and have nothing to show for it.

It's not that I want a boyfriend. It's just that I want to have a life to live, and something or someone to call my own. I don't want to be the "workaholic" who "can't come". I want too be the life of the party - like I used to be. I want to be brimming with energy and creativity, ideas and things to say.

I feel like I've pulled the short straw and nobody else seems to care. I'm losing my friends and even myself, for minimum wage. Sometimes, you have to back out of something. You have to walk away and close a door. 

I'm at a turning point right now where it'll either get worse or it'll get better. And if it gets worse, I'll quit my job and leave. There's no shame in doing what you have to to look after yourself.

Be kind to yourself.

Winter Kisses

Morning Everyone. Sorry for abandoning you for the winter. My reasons were both complex and a combination of "I'm Lazy", "I'm not good enough", & "I don't have internet access".

But I'm here now, and that's possibly good.

Quite a lot happenned while I was offline. I went to a few parties, made out with a few boys, and made some new friendships.

The parties were lovely, but they seem to be getting fewer and further between at the moment. This is either due to my heightening morlality or more likely the fact that it's final exam time at the moment.  Final exams are not fun. Well, I think they are. But they're incredibly difficult, especially English Extension. I'll be blatently honest here & admit that I have not been doing my best in that class. I've failed to read a number of readings, and I creatively bullshitted my way through most of the assessments and tests...

When I sat down to write a six page essay for this subject, using a never before seen question, 5 quotes, and sporadic knowledge of the topic, within two hours, things got more than a little stressful. Add into the mix a piece of imaginative writing, and you have me sweating in buckets.

Making out with boys is another cause of my metaphorical sweat. For some reason, a straight - apparently bisexual male - felt the need to make out with me at a party. He was a bit less than sober at the time, but, nonetheless, I was scared & confused - my natural reaction to people having some interest in me. He'd been asking a mutual friend of ours if this could happen all night and I was shocked that he was so persistently interested in me. We hugged for centuries while I continually asked him what he wanted to do. He made it clear that I had to make the first move - so eventually I did that. When the night wound down and we stopped making out, I ended up sleeping next to him - on the floor - in a room full of boys and a tomboy. He was in terrible state, due to his girlfriend's emotional instability, and I thought I could make it better somehow. But he essentially ignored me in front of his friends, as they discussed women and porn & all sorts of things I had little interest in. I know, he kindof had a girlfriend at the time. But I thought there was a spark. There clearly wasn't, as he didn't care in the slightest about how dangerously close my back was to snapping sleeping on the concrete floor. When I got home, I purged my negative emotions about the fact he really didn't have feelingsg for me - after analysing all the interactions we had ever had for some scrap of hope - through listening to nothing but Sarah Blasko on Spotify. What the Sea wants, the sea will have is a spectecular album to listen to when you want to feel sorry for yourself & dream about what will never happen.

That was months ago. More recently, I had what retrospectively looks awfully like a short fling with a male I became quite fond of. Again, this started at night. But this time, he acted the same in the morning. Long story short, he was hesitant to be in a relationship because he'd be moving at the end of the year, but I didn't give a ham.  Towards the end of us, he dragged me to a bonfire where I nearly froze out in the cold, and despite promising to keep me warm, he hardly touched me. I had a bad night. We ate too late, and stayed up for far too long doing nothing.
He avoided kissing me until he dropped me home the next morning... I knew something was up. He texted me later in the day to let me know  he was becoming too attached and couldn't do this because it would hurt when he moves. He said he still wanted me in his life, although we've hardly spoken since

So now, I'm single, still. I never had a boyfriend per se. Out of the boys I wrote about, the first boy is now effectively back with his girlfriend, and the second boy, I don't even know. I heard mention of him being with someone else now too.

Sometimes, I get that horrible lonely feeling. I get it a lot actually. But I've decided to be happy with who I am, and never let anyone else become the focus of my existence. Although I may let that happen again, I hope not. For now, I've decided to focus on studies and let boys be a secodnary priority.

I'm sure that'll happen (sarcastic tone). But anyway, Spring has arrived, & I'm also going on an overseas trip this holidays. So I've got fuckall to complain about.

P.S. I realise I whinged for most of the post, then said I have nothing to complain about. Bear with me, please

That's using your legs.

The other day I walked around 20km to prove something. I'm sure everyone's done something like that at one point.

It was 6am the morning after a party. I woke up before everyone else, confused, wearing drag makeup and one of the host's shirts. For some reason I decided I'd go for a walk, but first checked that what I was wearing was appropraite attire for the outside world.

On the other lounge was a couple, that were somewhat awake and sucking face. After recieving a positive response to my query, I began to walk, after working out where I was and admiring the scenery for a while.

I walked to the end of the street and saw an enormous green road sign. It exclaimed that the next country town was only 10km away. I accepted the challenge.

My reasons, in order of importance, were:

1. I am hungry and/or thirsty
2. I want to prove that I have done interesting things in my life
3. I want something to write about for my next blog post

So off I went, with the cold air pushing me forward, or back, I can't remember. My first stop was what I thought was a bus stop and turned out to be a mailbox shelter. I didn't know people built shelters around their mailboxes, but then again I was in the middle of nowhere. I laid down for a while, and let my thoughts wander to the strangest of places. Memories popped up that had no relevance to anything - like the time someone nearly emptied half a cup of coffee onto my foot. I wasn't sure if that was a real event, part of a dream, or something I'd put in a story, but it was in there. For some reason.

I got up after a while and trekked on, stopping twice more to send a text from a public phone and ask if I was heading in the right direction. I was, apparently, heading in the right direction towards the SMALL LITTLE VILLAGE. The old man I asked used a tautology to made sure I knew I was headed towards a "Small, little village" for some reason. Probably because I didn't look like the type that would, or should, venture outside the walls of suburbia. I was perfectly aware of where I was headed, and soldiered on until I reached a service station that appeared to have it's share of conflicts.

I was offerred a job as I walked in, cautiously avoiding the mopped parts of the floor. "I don't live around here" was my attempt to shut down conversation with the strange man. I bought an apple cider and payed for it on my card. To my disbelief, I think I actually typed in my Pin right the first time round. I don't think this has happenned since, and I live in constant fear of what happens after three incorrect Pin entries.

I went on to buy vegetable chips and make my way home. It was much hotter this time around and I laid down on various occassions. An old man offered to give me a lift, but I declined, thinking it was a bad idea to hitchhike. I regretted that decision up until the time a kind lady pulled over to offer me a lift. I accepted this time. She drove very quickly back to where I was staying, and I stumbled back as if nothing had happenned.