Brutally Honest Facts

Since high school ended, I found myself in lots of situations I never expected to be in. Sometimes, I've felt like I'm in a prison; at other times, drifting off in space. While in this prison-space continuum, I've learnt a lot of very strange facts about life, the universe, and whatever else there is.

1. Most people don't know what they're doing. Everyone is bluffing a little bit, pretending to be a little better at what they do, a little more knowledgeable, or a little less hungover.
2. Hard work does pay off. It can also hurt you. A lot. I've been working more than full time hours for about six months now. And I've been working very, very hard every hour that I'm at work. This has put me in a very good position in some ways - I have job security, I have the adoration of my employer, I have gained a lot of really good skills and obviously I have a lot more money than I would if I wasn't working (or not working as many hours). At the same time, all this hard work and excess work has left me in a very bad way. My wellbeing and health have taken a beating from all of this, and any time I do have free from work is spent recovering - from work, and from all the ailments it inflicts. So I've learnt the hard way that, yes, hard work pays. But there is a line between working hard and killing yourself.
3. People are fickle. They come and they go. The ones that matter remain. After high school, most of my friends moved away, or simply drifted away. We all changed, and because we all headed in different directions, we lost whatever it was that held us together. We're all different people now. It can be initially distressing to go to a party with all your old school friends, and realise you don't actually get along with any of them any more. That there is nothing to talk about, and they either haven't grown up at all, when you have, or they've simply grown into something you don't really like. In the end, the people that really matter aren't lost, and if anything, losing old social connections makes room for new ones. It's tough, and it's painful, but it happens. And it's usually for the better.
4. No one is looking out for you. So, you have to look out for yourself. I'm not saying no one cares about you. Or that you should disregard the needs of those around you. What I'm saying is, at the end of the day, it is you, and only you, who is responsible for yourself. Sometimes, no one is there to look after you when you're sick, or hold you when you're breaking down. Just as we can only work so hard before crumbling, we can only give so much of ourselves before we break. You need to look after yourself first, so that you have something to give to others. It is okay, and it is normal, to look after yourself. To need space, to need "me-time", to do things that achieve nothing but spreading a smile across your face.
5. Listen to your body. Your intuition, or gut feeling, is quite probably right. This is one of my mother's mantras. It's simple but vitally important. Listen to what's going on inside yourself. I decided to really listen to my body recently after falling very ill for the fifth time this year. I've had the same symptoms and problems on and off all year, and there's only so many times I can suppress whatever's going on with a pill. I decided to stop and really listen to myself. To my body, to my mind and to my spirit. For a long time, I had intuitively known that something was wrong. But I chose to ignore this feeling, because I couldn't afford to be unwell in my fast-paced lifestyle. I decided enough was enough, and it was time to listen to that quiet little voice. I've booked an appointment with the doctor to really get to the bottom of the issue, and am planning to reduce my hours at work, as they have been a contributor to my ill health. 
6. Just do it, whatever it is. No, I don't like cleaning the house, the toilets at work, or my room. But all three need to be done, and nothing is achieved by trying to avoid them. If you don't want your housemates to kick you out, don't be a slob, and if you want a job, you will damn well clean that toilet. Do what needs to be done, whether you want to or not, and I promise you you'll feel good about it.
7. Life comes in seasons. There are winters, and they can really drag. And there's usually no one to keep you warm. There are times of drastic change, and there are times when nothing ever seems to change. Sometimes, there is no one home, and at other times your house will fill with guests. At times, the road becomes your home, and sometimes, you get stuck somewhere in suburbia. Always remember that there will be another chapter, and you do have the power to turn the page when you're ready.

Winter Kisses

Morning Everyone. Sorry for abandoning you for the winter. My reasons were both complex and a combination of "I'm Lazy", "I'm not good enough", & "I don't have internet access".

But I'm here now, and that's possibly good.

Quite a lot happenned while I was offline. I went to a few parties, made out with a few boys, and made some new friendships.

The parties were lovely, but they seem to be getting fewer and further between at the moment. This is either due to my heightening morlality or more likely the fact that it's final exam time at the moment.  Final exams are not fun. Well, I think they are. But they're incredibly difficult, especially English Extension. I'll be blatently honest here & admit that I have not been doing my best in that class. I've failed to read a number of readings, and I creatively bullshitted my way through most of the assessments and tests...

When I sat down to write a six page essay for this subject, using a never before seen question, 5 quotes, and sporadic knowledge of the topic, within two hours, things got more than a little stressful. Add into the mix a piece of imaginative writing, and you have me sweating in buckets.

Making out with boys is another cause of my metaphorical sweat. For some reason, a straight - apparently bisexual male - felt the need to make out with me at a party. He was a bit less than sober at the time, but, nonetheless, I was scared & confused - my natural reaction to people having some interest in me. He'd been asking a mutual friend of ours if this could happen all night and I was shocked that he was so persistently interested in me. We hugged for centuries while I continually asked him what he wanted to do. He made it clear that I had to make the first move - so eventually I did that. When the night wound down and we stopped making out, I ended up sleeping next to him - on the floor - in a room full of boys and a tomboy. He was in terrible state, due to his girlfriend's emotional instability, and I thought I could make it better somehow. But he essentially ignored me in front of his friends, as they discussed women and porn & all sorts of things I had little interest in. I know, he kindof had a girlfriend at the time. But I thought there was a spark. There clearly wasn't, as he didn't care in the slightest about how dangerously close my back was to snapping sleeping on the concrete floor. When I got home, I purged my negative emotions about the fact he really didn't have feelingsg for me - after analysing all the interactions we had ever had for some scrap of hope - through listening to nothing but Sarah Blasko on Spotify. What the Sea wants, the sea will have is a spectecular album to listen to when you want to feel sorry for yourself & dream about what will never happen.

That was months ago. More recently, I had what retrospectively looks awfully like a short fling with a male I became quite fond of. Again, this started at night. But this time, he acted the same in the morning. Long story short, he was hesitant to be in a relationship because he'd be moving at the end of the year, but I didn't give a ham.  Towards the end of us, he dragged me to a bonfire where I nearly froze out in the cold, and despite promising to keep me warm, he hardly touched me. I had a bad night. We ate too late, and stayed up for far too long doing nothing.
He avoided kissing me until he dropped me home the next morning... I knew something was up. He texted me later in the day to let me know  he was becoming too attached and couldn't do this because it would hurt when he moves. He said he still wanted me in his life, although we've hardly spoken since

So now, I'm single, still. I never had a boyfriend per se. Out of the boys I wrote about, the first boy is now effectively back with his girlfriend, and the second boy, I don't even know. I heard mention of him being with someone else now too.

Sometimes, I get that horrible lonely feeling. I get it a lot actually. But I've decided to be happy with who I am, and never let anyone else become the focus of my existence. Although I may let that happen again, I hope not. For now, I've decided to focus on studies and let boys be a secodnary priority.

I'm sure that'll happen (sarcastic tone). But anyway, Spring has arrived, & I'm also going on an overseas trip this holidays. So I've got fuckall to complain about.

P.S. I realise I whinged for most of the post, then said I have nothing to complain about. Bear with me, please