Brutally Honest Facts

Since high school ended, I found myself in lots of situations I never expected to be in. Sometimes, I've felt like I'm in a prison; at other times, drifting off in space. While in this prison-space continuum, I've learnt a lot of very strange facts about life, the universe, and whatever else there is.

1. Most people don't know what they're doing. Everyone is bluffing a little bit, pretending to be a little better at what they do, a little more knowledgeable, or a little less hungover.
2. Hard work does pay off. It can also hurt you. A lot. I've been working more than full time hours for about six months now. And I've been working very, very hard every hour that I'm at work. This has put me in a very good position in some ways - I have job security, I have the adoration of my employer, I have gained a lot of really good skills and obviously I have a lot more money than I would if I wasn't working (or not working as many hours). At the same time, all this hard work and excess work has left me in a very bad way. My wellbeing and health have taken a beating from all of this, and any time I do have free from work is spent recovering - from work, and from all the ailments it inflicts. So I've learnt the hard way that, yes, hard work pays. But there is a line between working hard and killing yourself.
3. People are fickle. They come and they go. The ones that matter remain. After high school, most of my friends moved away, or simply drifted away. We all changed, and because we all headed in different directions, we lost whatever it was that held us together. We're all different people now. It can be initially distressing to go to a party with all your old school friends, and realise you don't actually get along with any of them any more. That there is nothing to talk about, and they either haven't grown up at all, when you have, or they've simply grown into something you don't really like. In the end, the people that really matter aren't lost, and if anything, losing old social connections makes room for new ones. It's tough, and it's painful, but it happens. And it's usually for the better.
4. No one is looking out for you. So, you have to look out for yourself. I'm not saying no one cares about you. Or that you should disregard the needs of those around you. What I'm saying is, at the end of the day, it is you, and only you, who is responsible for yourself. Sometimes, no one is there to look after you when you're sick, or hold you when you're breaking down. Just as we can only work so hard before crumbling, we can only give so much of ourselves before we break. You need to look after yourself first, so that you have something to give to others. It is okay, and it is normal, to look after yourself. To need space, to need "me-time", to do things that achieve nothing but spreading a smile across your face.
5. Listen to your body. Your intuition, or gut feeling, is quite probably right. This is one of my mother's mantras. It's simple but vitally important. Listen to what's going on inside yourself. I decided to really listen to my body recently after falling very ill for the fifth time this year. I've had the same symptoms and problems on and off all year, and there's only so many times I can suppress whatever's going on with a pill. I decided to stop and really listen to myself. To my body, to my mind and to my spirit. For a long time, I had intuitively known that something was wrong. But I chose to ignore this feeling, because I couldn't afford to be unwell in my fast-paced lifestyle. I decided enough was enough, and it was time to listen to that quiet little voice. I've booked an appointment with the doctor to really get to the bottom of the issue, and am planning to reduce my hours at work, as they have been a contributor to my ill health. 
6. Just do it, whatever it is. No, I don't like cleaning the house, the toilets at work, or my room. But all three need to be done, and nothing is achieved by trying to avoid them. If you don't want your housemates to kick you out, don't be a slob, and if you want a job, you will damn well clean that toilet. Do what needs to be done, whether you want to or not, and I promise you you'll feel good about it.
7. Life comes in seasons. There are winters, and they can really drag. And there's usually no one to keep you warm. There are times of drastic change, and there are times when nothing ever seems to change. Sometimes, there is no one home, and at other times your house will fill with guests. At times, the road becomes your home, and sometimes, you get stuck somewhere in suburbia. Always remember that there will be another chapter, and you do have the power to turn the page when you're ready.

One must always leave a trail

Sitting in front of me is a packet of loose leaf Organic Lemon Myrtle Tea. It's expiry date is on my 21st birthday. Next to that is some random notes I took at a work meeting, brown eyeshadow, a gloriously large cup of coffee and a CD player.

Last night an old friend of mine returned home from his mysterious and somewhat prolonged adventure to Gulgong. As is almost necessary for people aged under 21, we had a party. On a Tuesday night.

I had work on Tuesday, and I have work today soon actually. I was planning to just meet them for dinner beforehand, extend my regards and then fuck off home again. Of course I turned up so late to dinner that I actually missed the dinner part, and arrived precisely when everyone was leaving.

Despite having said I would not, under any circumstances, attend a party on a Tuesday night, I did precisely that. I deliberately remained sober so that I could drive home at any point. But then I found myself amongst a group of close friends, in the dark, in the distance, getting in touch with Mary Jane.

I thought it would be best to wait a while before driving home, being then rendered completely off of my tits. So then I found myself lying on a trampoline, gazing at the cloudy night sky, slightly disillusioned by the lack of any visible stars. I remained stationary for a very fucking long time. Groups of people came and went; I remember lively discussions happenning around me that I was apparently physical unable to contribute to. Lola and I made nonsense at each other, understanding each other as intrinsically as babies.

I eventually made my way indoors. At the start of the night, my hair had been perfectly (or rather imperfectly) styled. I had pinned most of it back in an elegant style - something bohemian and a little bit flapper - and arranged tarragon flowers somewhat haphazardly in my hair.

The flowers from my hair, along with most of the bobby pins, laid on the trampoline and across the property, as I laid on a red lounge covered in cushions and everybody's things. There wasn't really any space to lie down but I think I made it work. Of course I then fell swiftly asleep in amongst all the things, blissfully unaware of how ridicudously high and absolutely freezing I was.

At 5:40 this morning I awoke startled and completely disoriented. The sun had begun to rise, which for some reason beckoned me to the bathroom. I grabbed most of my things (one must always leave a trail behind when they leave), and ran to the car, which for some reason I parked really far up the street. And then I headed home in a hurry, despite the fact I didn't (and don't) have to be at work until nine o'clock. I hope.

I don't want a boyfriend I just want a life

Last night I saw a lot of people I hadn't seen in a very long time, and met a few new people. It was the eighteenth birthday of old friend of mine who left town earlier this year to go to uni.

I looked around at the sea of faces. Smiling faces. And then a comment was made about how "It's so amazing how everyone has a boyfriend now". I looked around again at all my friends, boyfriends hanging off each of them. Everyone looked so happy, and as though no matter how shit things were or would become, they had someone else to share it all with; someone to fall back on; or someone to cry to.

I downed Moscato with force and couldn't help but think I'd somehow pulled the short straw. My friends had either moved away to start uni or stayed in town to finish school - and despite their student-induced-poverty and constant greivances about having to study, they were all happy. 

The birthday girl's mother asked me how my love life was going. I didn't snap, and I didn't snap anyone's necks. I answered truthfully, "Nothing's really happenning". She began gathering pity, so I continued. "I was with someone at the end of last year, but he was a bit manic, so I decided I'd rather be alone. I'm so busy and I work so much I hardly notice".

The last part of my response was partly true. I was with someone, and I did call it off. But he wasn't manic, he was just wrong for me, and I'm too stubborn to make things work out with someone I don't even like much. And while I am busy and always working, it doesn't mean I don't notice there's no one there. 

I keep finding myself in tears whenever I'm physically alone somewhere. I'm unhappy. I thought stepping straight out of school and into a full-time job would be worth it. But the truth is, no amount of money is worth more than my happiness. I earn a pittance, work horrific hours, and have nothing to show for it.

It's not that I want a boyfriend. It's just that I want to have a life to live, and something or someone to call my own. I don't want to be the "workaholic" who "can't come". I want too be the life of the party - like I used to be. I want to be brimming with energy and creativity, ideas and things to say.

I feel like I've pulled the short straw and nobody else seems to care. I'm losing my friends and even myself, for minimum wage. Sometimes, you have to back out of something. You have to walk away and close a door. 

I'm at a turning point right now where it'll either get worse or it'll get better. And if it gets worse, I'll quit my job and leave. There's no shame in doing what you have to to look after yourself.

Be kind to yourself.

Big Picture Shit

It's nearly St. Patricks Day, and my room and life are still a mess. I moved in at Christmas, and figured I would have got everything sorted by now.

At the end of last year, I practically walked out my final exam and into a full-time job. I thought the transition from student to full-time worker would be easy. I had five days off at Christmas, and of course, being my usual ridiculously-driven-to-succeed self, I decided it would be a good idea to move into my brother's house over those five days.

We all spent Christmas Day at my brothers house, sitting around the table and getting profoundly drunk on our chosen drinks. If I remember correctly I think I was slightly late to the family lunch because I was madly packing my belongings at my old house to bring over with me. Christmas Eve was the last night I ever slept at the house I had called home through senior high school, and Christmas Day was probably the last time I wasn't "busy" or "working", and one of the last times I've actually spent quality time with my mother.

The five days I thought would last forever disappeared in a heartbeat, as did my mother and her caravan. Suddenly I was working all the time, and saying "I can't" to everyone and everything, all the while watching my mother disappear with her husband and caravan into the distance.

I made a lot of unspoken promises to myself and I don't know that I've kept any of them. I kept vowing that I would take the time to properly move in to my new house and new life; to organise my things and my life, to unpack every box and to really settle into whatever this chapter of my life would be. I foolishly said that I wouldn't let things change, that work wouldn't get in the way of maintaining friendships, and that I would still do the things I'd always done.

Some things are difficult to understand until they are actually lived. My parents always told me that after high school, everything and everyone sort of fell away, and moved away, and that everything changes. I laughed at them, thinking yeah well maybe that happens to some people but not us.

Yeah well It happenned to us.

I think the worst thing is not that my friends are all slowly but surely moving away, changing, or drifting away from my newly workaholic self. The worst thing about this chapter of my life is not that things are changing, but that I feel like I am changing, in ways that I don't want to change. The mask I put on for work seems difficult to take off, and I seem to be pushing everyone and everything else away from me as a standard reflex. I think I've always been a fairly independent person, but now it just feels like I'm stubborn. I nearly got into a relationship at the end of last year, but then ran. I was terrified of being with someone, of opening up to them, if there was a chance that it wasn't right, or that it could end.

I don't know how or when it happenned, but my need to succeed has suddenly sky-rocketed, and driven me to avoid failure like bad coffee. I don't seem to start things - relationships, new friendships, hobbies, random little projects - as much any more if I can see them coming to a probable end.

I guess the great thing about changing is that it happens constantly... so I can always change again? I have this weird motivational phrase I like to tell everyone that has quite the opposite effect, that "you can do pretty much anything, it's just hard". I guess that applies to changing. I have this crazy dream of living and working in Europe in the near future, but it's not really crazy at all. I just need to tough it out through four years of uni and become qualified*, deal with working on the side and sacrificing things so that I can save money for my dream. It's not an impossible dream to fulfill, and it's not just plausible either. It's very possible, it'll just be hard.

I know they say the best things in life are free, but some pretty damn good things require hard work, study, and sacrifice. I will make it to Europe, and maybe (and quite probably) stay longer than I intend. There are just certain things I have to do to get there. Anything's possible, it's just hard. Hard but rewarding.

*I'm planning to study French and Linguistics/Sociology (undecided) at university next year

The Summer "HOLIDAYS"

This morning I awoke and plugged my phone into it's charger. Soon after, I recieved a text from a friend. It was apparent that my ex had told her something, and she couldn't tell me. So, naturally, I ended up on the phone to my ex for too long.

Now, I have seven websites open. I've read two blog posts, sent one reply to an email, apologised for last nights laptop crash, and of course wished a friend a happy birthday. Oh and I'm looking up ideas for a friend's birthday party.

The holidays are theoretically supposed to be used for fun and relaxation. But, since their beginning in mid-November, I've done no such thing. Somehow, without having a penny to my name, and without a secured job, my time has managed to be completely filled. I've been on two trips  - one for work experience, the other because, well, Sydney - done an abundance of Christmas gift shopping, and entertained countless numbers of people.

Over the next 48 hours, I will be making up to two dishes, attending three Christmas parties, learning to clean professionally, and having my first paid shift. The two biggest questions I have are How am I going to afford my next trip to sydney? & Which gender should I sleep with at an upcoming sleepover?